Earth is Splitting in Half

While those other blogs only distract you with fluff stories about hurricanes, earthquakes and giant tidal waves, here at deconsumption I'm always striving to help my readers to fade the noise and follow the fundamentals. So in the cause of responsible journalism, let me be the first to alert you to the upcoming "splitting in half" of our planet Earth.

"Scientists observe rare continental rift process in Ethiopia"

"A continental rifting process that normally takes millions of years to form has developed over a span of seven weeks in the Afar region of northeastern Ethiopia."
[...]
"An image of the Da'ure locality taken by an earth orbiting NASA satellite showed that an area of 60 kilometres had developed an eight-metre opening.

'This was a fast opening rate within a span of about two months, from September 14 to early November, an exciting event in scientific terms,' said Dr. Atalay. [Ed. note - Scientists are wierd like that...]

'Compare this to the very slow movement of the plate tectonic affecting the crust of the earth in the Afar region, which is about 17 mm per year,' he explained."

"Massive Crack Opens In Earth In Texas"

"6/22/2005 -- A massive crack in the earth opened up last week in Claude, Texas and it's creating a stir among geologists....Some parts measure more than 30-feet deep and it drained what used to be a pond. Experts say earth cracks are common but the size of the crack in Claude is not."

Now probably our immediate inclination would be to assume that these two events are unrelated. I mean after all, they're happening on opposite sides of the world.

But say...wait a minute...!?! That means the Earth is beginning to crack open from both sides! If ever there was reason to jump to the most over-blown sensationalist conclusions, surely this would have to be it.

In fact if we look at an antipodal map we'll see that Texas and Ethiopia really are opposite each other on the globe (look at the obverse outline, which is in red, to see where antipodal point falls for any specific place on the black outline). Yeah, I know it's not all that close. In fact it's off by a thousand miles or more. But it's close enough, I might say, for two places that have seen massive fissures open up in them almost overnight.

But still, before we jump to rational conclusions let's check in with the Deconsumption Fringe Speculation Team (DFST) and see what they have to offer. In fact I'll go do that right now to save you the trouble....

Ahhhh, yes. Quite enlightening. Consider this little tidbit: Texas is where George Bush lives -- a man whom many people speculate might be the Anti-Christ. While Ethiopia is widely purported to be the resting place of the lost Ark of the Covenant, a device which can shoot out plasma bolts and may be the most powerful weapon of Righteousness on Earth.

Now I'm no geologist. Nor am I a theological scholar. But I have seen plenty of movies involving massive earth-shattering events and I read some Bible one time. Thus I can logically surmise that the world is probably being subjected to an incredible strain in trying to contain and balance these two polar extremes of good and evil. And such a strain would quite naturally cause large cracks to appear throughout its surface (early on, of course, these would show only in relatively remote regions, then later they'll start to open up under large cities where busses and trains will fall into them). Ultimately, however, we have to face the fact that as these cosmic forces draw more and more spiritual energy into their web the mantle will begin to give way altogether. And then the Earth will split in half.

So stay vigilant, dear deconsumption reader. And of course when the Earth finally does split in half....remember that you heard it here first!

[Inspirational credit to Signs of the Times.]

Comments

[DigitalDjigit]

Why do you assume that the earth has to split into two even halves?

Beautiful. Just beautiful. Thanks for the perfect end-of-the-year post, Steven.

Your fan,

Chris

[Kevin Carson]

Ethiopia was also the birthplace of a guy some folks in Jamaica believe to be Jesus Christ. So if the Rastas are right, and Bush is the anti-christ, that would kind of add some symmetry to the equation, eh?

[Pam Cosmo]

lol...thanks, I needed that. Perhaps your DFST team could do some further recon around the Texas hole and see if there are any red demon-looking things with horns protruding from there foreheads sneaking out and infiltrating Texas...